June 24, 2018

Teetering on the brink.

In the past couple of weeks, I have deleted my Twitter account, canceled my micro.blog account, shelved my fortnightly newsletter, and shut down my email address. I’m not checking my text messages anymore, and have canceled any social activities that I had scheduled for the next few months.

This blog is the only place you will find me now, and while I hate the social isolation, I am under such immense cognitive and emotional pressure from every facet of my life—especially the non-work facets—that I am on the brink of complete emotional and cognitive collapse. Any human interaction may tip me over the edge.

The last time I was this close to collapse, I ended up in hospital for a short stay; I’m hoping that will not happen again, so I’m sheltering myself from every input possible. (Some of my most high-stress inputs, sadly, are not easy or possible to remove.)

Basically, this is a short post to say I am okay, but I am not okay. I am not well, and I don’t think I will be well for a while, but I am alive and there is no risk of me doing anything drastic or threatening. In essence: I’m safe, but I’m not okay—I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while. If you don’t get any responses from me, please don’t take it personally. Thank you.

While you’re here, this article on emotional labor is resonating hard with me right now, and perhaps explains why I am where I am right now.