June 9, 2018

Remembering Bourdain

If you or anyone you know is considering suicide or self-harm, or is anxious, depressed, upset, or needs to talk, call Crisis Services Canada at 1-833-456-4566 or text them at 45645. For international resources, please check out this page.

I’m no stranger to depression. I’ve lived with a piggyback guy for the majority of my life, on and off medication. I’ve attempted suicide, and I’ve been close to attempting more times than I can remember. It is an insidious, debilitating disease—even though I am “high functioning,” it affects me, it cripples me, daily.

The deaths by suicide of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain this week were troubling, sad, surprising, but ultimately, not entirely shocking. It is always those who are strongest, those who bear the darkness of the world so that the lives of others can be bright, that struggle the most with that darkness.

Bourdain and Spade brought joy and light and brilliance; we didn’t see the darkness that sat behind that luminescence. We need to be better at acknowledging that darkness, that struggle; we need to validate it, care for it, and understand that it affects so many of us, every single day.

Bourdain’s suicide was particularly hard to grapple with last week, and I’ve been trying to figure out why. Maybe it was because he was so universally beloved; maybe it was because he always showed us that life was worth living.

Over the past few decades, people have often asked me how I’m able to connect with people so easily, to develop such close relationships with people around me, even strangers. I respond quickly: I am infinitely curious.

Maybe that’s why Bourdain’s suicide was so hard to process: if anything, Anthony Bourdain also exemplified this infinite curiosity. Maybe I am still finding it hard to grapple with his death because I see so much of him in me.

Maybe that’s why so many of us are taking it so hard: we see so much of him in ourselves. For some, like me, it’s in the unending curiosity for others. For others, it’s in his love of travel, of food; his way of speaking the truth while still being universal, or his desire to have fun through exploration. We see ourselves in him, and him in our own characters. We mourn for his loss, and we wonder what that means about ourselves, too.

I didn’t know Anthony Bourdain personally; my interaction has been with his work, his character. The best remembrances are from those that knew the man. Some of my favorite remembrances are below:

The Insatiable and Unknowable Anthony Bourdain, Frank Bruni
Anthony Bourdain and the Power of Telling the Truth, Helen Rosner
Anthony Bourdain Was the Most Interesting Man in the World, Drew Magary
Anthony Bourdain, 1956-2018, Justin Charity
Bourdain, Spencer Hall
Anthony Bourdain was the eternal compadre of overlooked Latinos, Gustavo Arellano

From President Barack Obama:

“Low plastic stool, cheap but delicious noodles, cold Hanoi beer.” This is how I’ll remember Tony. He taught us about food — but more importantly, about its ability to bring us together. To make us a little less afraid of the unknown. We’ll miss him. pic.twitter.com/orEXIaEMZM
— Barack Obama (@BarackObama) June 8, 2018

From Shivana Sookdeo:

From Helen Holmes:

https://twitter.com/helenbholmes/status/1005129689533440000

From Yashar Ali:

1. My heart is broken. Anthony Bourdain was so good to me and a big reason I'm still doing what I'm doing. In January I fell into a deep depression for the first time in my life. Having never dealt with it in the past, I was unprepared. Tony helped me save myself 1 text at a time
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

2. Tony was such a righteous man. He loved @AsiaArgento so much..he was so happy that Weinstein had been taken down. But he wasn't satisfied with that. He wanted more justice for women who had been targeted by bad men and he wanted the survivors to feel supported.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

3. For example, earlier this year when @rosemcgowan was being criticized publicly during her book tour he texted me at 3 AM and told me we needed to make sure she felt publicly supported "this is turning into a win for HW," he said.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

4. While many people, including reporters, had moved on from the Weinstein saga he wanted to make sure there was justice. He texted me repeatedly with ideas and every time a Weinstein survivor was attacked he would let me know because he was determined to stop Harvey's machine.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

5. When Tony got a tip that Harvey had been seen in Gstaad he told me I had to chase it down. It was an order and I was happy to accept the challenge. It turned out to be a bad tip but he wasn't going to let Harvey win. "That motherfucker is gonna skate.." he said to me.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

6. One night in early February he was signaling me with restaurant suggestions and I told him I was dealing with depression for the first time and wanted to give up on work. "Maybe I'm not meant to do this," I said. What he said next I'm going to keep private but for the past
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

7. few months he has made me feel like a million bucks. He made me feel like I had an obligation to keep going..and when I shared some career news with him while I was still grappling with depression he was happier for me than I was for myself.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

8. Tony hated bullshit and he hated the glitz and glamour of the media business (as many of you could tell by watching his show). When Vogue published a puff piece that I was deeply critical of he texted me and said...
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

9. "Good. They were loathsome to begin with. Just continuing a tradition of rape apologia & enabling." In my experience, there was no middle of the road with Tony - either he hated something or he absolutely loved it. He felt a serious sense of responsibility to expose the truth
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

10. Forgive me for rambling...I'm trying to write this while I'm sitting outside crying and trying to catch my breath. Tony was so so proud of @AsiaArgento. Since Asia lives in Rome, I missed some of her press appearances and speeches..Anthony would always send them to me
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

11. And even though he knew I was friends with Asia and would do anything for her, he would still ask me every time to share what he had sent...he just wanted to be sure. He was so proud of her and as he mentioned in a piece just last week..he felt she was a peer.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

12. Tony was also so proud of @RonanFarrow - almost every time Ronan was honored, Tony would signal me to share the news..so Tony was a great friend..but if he didn't like you, you would know it. He was also determined, like Ronan, to expose the system that enabled Weinstein.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

13. I'm so sad this morning..but I really get it now when people say things like "he would have wanted me to keep working." I have to keep working. A few weeks ago a friend told me they delete all their texts and emails. Not to keep things private - they just hate digital clutter
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

14. I told them I thought that was silly because I often go back to texts from friends and read them again. I'm so glad I have a treasure trove of texts from Tony. I can look at them when I'm having a hard day...I just sent him a text message even though he's gone on ahead of us.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

15/15 "Thank you for everything you did for me and so many others. I will think of you always." iMessage says the text was delivered.
— Yashar Ali 🐘 (@yashar) June 8, 2018

From Allison F.:

Anthony Bourdain had one of the only shows on tv that tried with all its might to teach Americans not to be scared of other people.
— Allison F.🦉 (@ablington) June 8, 2018

From Imraan Siddiqi:

In this age of Islamophobia and otherization of Muslims through media, Anthony Bourdain used his platform to humanize Muslims through culture and food - something I, and many others always appreciated.
— Imraan Siddiqi (@imraansiddiqi) June 8, 2018

From Khushbu Shah:

https://twitter.com/KhushAndOJ/status/1005103619560148992

From Eve Ewing:

https://twitter.com/eveewing/status/1005072194370752514 https://twitter.com/eveewing/status/1005072644482445312 https://twitter.com/eveewing/status/1005073201582440449

From Tyler Johnson:

Lots of people saying they're gonna go to their favorite restaurant or book a trip tonight.

Not sure if there's any better indicator of a life well-lived than people paying tribute by indulging in pleasures they usually deny themselves.
— tyler (@YodelinZeke) June 8, 2018

From Rachael Berkey:

https://twitter.com/bookoisseur/status/1005081235918671876

From Andray Domise:

https://twitter.com/andraydomise/status/1005058785419784194 https://twitter.com/andraydomise/status/1005059413218955264 https://twitter.com/andraydomise/status/1005060340885831680 https://twitter.com/andraydomise/status/1005060528979435526

From Maura Johnston:

https://twitter.com/maura/status/1005065452345790465