July 15, 2014

Signboard about Charlie Brown


The honest truth is that I’ve been struggling with self-esteem, recently. The past month, in particular. The kind of struggle with self-esteem when you really don’t like yourself and don’t see how anyone else could like you either, even though every rational part of you is trying to convince you otherwise.

It’s an insidious kind of struggle; it’s the kind of problem that feeds itself by making you grumpy and sensitive and despondent because you feel unlikeable, and all those traits make you less likeable, and so it continues.

I’ve battled this, successfully, before, and I have no doubt that I will battle it successfully this time. In the meantime, I ask that you — my friends, family, loved ones, strangers who only know me through a screen — please be patient with me. Please be patient with me if your playful jabs wound me more than they should and normally would, or if your reminders feel overwhelming (I’m processing one thing at a time right now, but I’m taking note of it all and everything will get done), or if I just need some down time between activities, errands, conversations, or experiences. It’s that down time that helps me process, to rationalize, to work through what needs working.

Today, I am taking that down time by staring up at the sky and watching the clouds float by. Taking that down time by looking up, and being lifted by what is above me.

This will all pass, soon, as it always does; just as dark clouds make way for light ones, and the sky remains blue behind them all.<